What is Fear?

Why do you feel Fear? What causes you to feel Fear? How does it get to you? What is Fear exactly?

When I was a kid, I used to be terribly afraid of the dark. I would switch on every single light, wait for it to light up, then go into the room. I was afraid of ghosts and demons. Although I loved watching ghost films, then only be able to sleep with the light on and have whatever "talismans" I can hold on to nearby few the next few days. Now? Now I love the dark. I am more comfortable in a dark room than a lighted one. I keep all of my shutters closed throughout the day, and I find myself immune, numb to ghosts, demons, and things that go bump in the night. I'm no Goth or Gloomy type mind you. What does the dark offer? Solitude, Peace and a Sublime contrast of all things which full brightness can never achieve. But we're getting side-tracked here.

I am one of those "I Don't Give a Fuck What You Think" guys. I like what I like and I do what I like, when I like it. I've never "followed" anyone or hopped on to the latest "craze". If I happen to be doing it, it's because I like it. I have lived my life so far to these principles and thus do not care about anyone else's impression or expectations on me except my own. Though this "attitude" doesn't really affect friendships, it can be a strain on close family relations as I do not give way, ever. Does it mean I do not "Care"? No, I care very much, However, I govern myself as I see fit. I have not really regretted anything I've done nor can I cannot for the love of god remember anything else which I was afraid of. Since I am where I want to be, Am I content and does it put me in a position where I have no fears in life? I thought wrong.

I was in a total whacked out mood today because of a job interview I had to attend. This is the job I really wanted. Now, I had no fear of the Interview itself and the outcome. Oh! I was wound up on presentation and questions of course, But I had no "Fear". So I found myself wondering, why I am totally zoned out. I didn't feel like playing, I didn't feel like eating. Something was bugging me terribly, which initiated this post. Usually when you want something badly 3 possible things happen when you get it. 1. You are ecstatic. Dream come true 2. Your joy is shortlived as it ist really that good 3. It's not really what you wanted at all. I sat down thinking, and this is totally on a different level. I Want it so much, I'm Afraid to Get it! I fear that this IS what I want and I end up not being able to do it. For once, I am thinking, Is it possible to "fail" myself? That freaked me way out. I attended the interview and came out alive. It actually went very well.

Recently I read some books on Alexander the Great. In one of it, he meets a philosopher called Diogenes (student of Antisthenes). Diogenes practiced his teachers philosophy of Cynicism, which pondered and questioned intellectual/physical persuits and sought a "back to nature" living. In today's world, it is comparable to buddhist monks or any religious men who have renounced "worldly attachments". But Diogenes was more base. he lived like an animal. He wore nearly no clothes. He lived on the streets, refused to use "man-made tools" (like forks/spoons knives) to assist him. He lived in a tub. Nature provides everything. Alexander was supposed to have had a meeting with Diogenes and asked the philosopher what he wanted. Diogenes merely wanted the King to step aside so he could feel the Sun again. The Sun, source of all life, light and heat was the greatest gift the King could have given. Alexander was also supposed to have said "If I was not Alexander, I want to be Diogenes". I am side-tracking again, but I cannot seem to focus on one emotion without bringing in the rest. So why all this talk about Diogenes. Cynicism emphasizes breaking-free of conventions and renouncing the world for self-sufficiency and nature. At the very Base of Man, we have peace and with peace, no fear.

So was Diogenes a great man or was he just a coward hiding from life's dissapointments. You've probably heard of the idiom "The Bigger they are, the Harder they fall". Remember I mentioned my interview went well, which increased the chance of them actually hiring me. But this also exponentially increased my fear. I'm terribly excited and sick at the same time.

Is fear tied to responsibility? hope? dreams? Remember my tale of me being afraid of the dark and of ghosts? I realised that I liked watching horror movies NOT because of the story or even the monsters and demons, But because I Liked getting scared. I wanted to be afraid and have demons hiding in every shadow.

Why do we put ourselves through this? What actually spurs us on. Is it the Challenge? Is it the Hope? Dreams? Will? Courage? Or is it in actuality, the Fear?