What is Fear?

Why do you feel Fear? What causes you to feel Fear? How does it get to you? What is Fear exactly?

When I was a kid, I used to be terribly afraid of the dark. I would switch on every single light, wait for it to light up, then go into the room. I was afraid of ghosts and demons. Although I loved watching ghost films, then only be able to sleep with the light on and have whatever "talismans" I can hold on to nearby few the next few days. Now? Now I love the dark. I am more comfortable in a dark room than a lighted one. I keep all of my shutters closed throughout the day, and I find myself immune, numb to ghosts, demons, and things that go bump in the night. I'm no Goth or Gloomy type mind you. What does the dark offer? Solitude, Peace and a Sublime contrast of all things which full brightness can never achieve. But we're getting side-tracked here.

I am one of those "I Don't Give a Fuck What You Think" guys. I like what I like and I do what I like, when I like it. I've never "followed" anyone or hopped on to the latest "craze". If I happen to be doing it, it's because I like it. I have lived my life so far to these principles and thus do not care about anyone else's impression or expectations on me except my own. Though this "attitude" doesn't really affect friendships, it can be a strain on close family relations as I do not give way, ever. Does it mean I do not "Care"? No, I care very much, However, I govern myself as I see fit. I have not really regretted anything I've done nor can I cannot for the love of god remember anything else which I was afraid of. Since I am where I want to be, Am I content and does it put me in a position where I have no fears in life? I thought wrong.

I was in a total whacked out mood today because of a job interview I had to attend. This is the job I really wanted. Now, I had no fear of the Interview itself and the outcome. Oh! I was wound up on presentation and questions of course, But I had no "Fear". So I found myself wondering, why I am totally zoned out. I didn't feel like playing, I didn't feel like eating. Something was bugging me terribly, which initiated this post. Usually when you want something badly 3 possible things happen when you get it. 1. You are ecstatic. Dream come true 2. Your joy is shortlived as it ist really that good 3. It's not really what you wanted at all. I sat down thinking, and this is totally on a different level. I Want it so much, I'm Afraid to Get it! I fear that this IS what I want and I end up not being able to do it. For once, I am thinking, Is it possible to "fail" myself? That freaked me way out. I attended the interview and came out alive. It actually went very well.

Recently I read some books on Alexander the Great. In one of it, he meets a philosopher called Diogenes (student of Antisthenes). Diogenes practiced his teachers philosophy of Cynicism, which pondered and questioned intellectual/physical persuits and sought a "back to nature" living. In today's world, it is comparable to buddhist monks or any religious men who have renounced "worldly attachments". But Diogenes was more base. he lived like an animal. He wore nearly no clothes. He lived on the streets, refused to use "man-made tools" (like forks/spoons knives) to assist him. He lived in a tub. Nature provides everything. Alexander was supposed to have had a meeting with Diogenes and asked the philosopher what he wanted. Diogenes merely wanted the King to step aside so he could feel the Sun again. The Sun, source of all life, light and heat was the greatest gift the King could have given. Alexander was also supposed to have said "If I was not Alexander, I want to be Diogenes". I am side-tracking again, but I cannot seem to focus on one emotion without bringing in the rest. So why all this talk about Diogenes. Cynicism emphasizes breaking-free of conventions and renouncing the world for self-sufficiency and nature. At the very Base of Man, we have peace and with peace, no fear.

So was Diogenes a great man or was he just a coward hiding from life's dissapointments. You've probably heard of the idiom "The Bigger they are, the Harder they fall". Remember I mentioned my interview went well, which increased the chance of them actually hiring me. But this also exponentially increased my fear. I'm terribly excited and sick at the same time.

Is fear tied to responsibility? hope? dreams? Remember my tale of me being afraid of the dark and of ghosts? I realised that I liked watching horror movies NOT because of the story or even the monsters and demons, But because I Liked getting scared. I wanted to be afraid and have demons hiding in every shadow.

Why do we put ourselves through this? What actually spurs us on. Is it the Challenge? Is it the Hope? Dreams? Will? Courage? Or is it in actuality, the Fear?

CS:S Counter Strike : Stupidity

GODDAMMIT! ARE YOU REALLY THAT FRIGGING DUMB????
Counter-Strike has been out for ages and I myself have played it for, well over the past 5 years since beta 4-5. Though I'm not involved anymore in competition, I am still a regular pub player. Now this scenario NEVER EVER happens in a pub server for CS.

So we come to CS:S. The old CS lovin' + new fangled graphics and physics. With Half-Life 2 coming, they are giving CS a facelift with the new Source Engine. (To be honest with you, I am more psyched up about CS:S then HL2.) So basically gameplay-wise everything is the same, and one should fit in immediately.

Now comes the part where they will be Closed Beta Test of CS:S. Well it's "Closed" because not everyone gets into the beta, only Cyber Cafes under Valve's program, ATI HL2 Voucher owners and CS: Condition Zero Owners.

1. Cyber Cafes - They have been running CS for as long as it has been out, and anyone frequenting these places and play CS everyday will be well informed
2. Condition Zero Owners - This group are usually die hard CS fans who would dish out Money to buy CS with new skins/bots/scripted maps (which can be downloaded free) that pass of as a "new" game. They would also be well informed
3. ATI Voucher Owners - I would presume that at least half of this group bought the card mainly because of the Voucher itself and again half of this would be Half-Life fans, thus have at least played CS or any of the numerous HL mods throughout the past 7 years. I mean COME-ON.

So what Am I ranting about? I've been playing the CS:S beta for the past 2 weeks and I'm Dumbfounded by the incredible amount of people who seem not to know anything about CS, but also about simple aspects of computing as well.

"Why I have no console?" - Click on the bloody OPTIONS and Enable it! Can't you see a Big Check box which says Enable Console??? If you can't even navigate though simple point-click graphical menus, you don't have any business messing with the console.
"How do I Change Team?" - AAAARRGGHHH! I'm vomiting blood
"Does CZ need HL2 to play? I cant connect to Game" - I rest my case
"How do I get other weapons?" - There is a big Menu that Covers the ENTIRE Screen where you click to choose your weapons even with pictures and descriptions. What the Hell kind of Question is this?
"Change Map Please" - There is ONLY 1 MAP in the BETA. Change to your Fathers House? But then, this particular request is very common in everytype on Online FPS game which I find very funny. Generally servers are setup with certain rules, Map Cycles are done automatically when these rules are met (eg. time-limit, frag-limit, goal-limit..etc.) or they can be changed Manually by Server Administrators "IF" they are around. I usually see these Dumbos come in, play 5 minutes and continuously asking to "Change the Map". Admins are not around, who's gonna change the map for them. Do they think the server can parse they're request and automatically understand and change the map? Morons.
"How to plant/diffuse bomb?" "Why is my screen so big?" "What option to Reduce Ping/Lag?" "How to Speak?" "It's so slow, game sucks" "Can I buy more grenades?"

I've even had a guy ask ME If this is the First Time I'VE played this game and If I understood Plain English. The Idiot was screaming at me telling me the enemy is at the "Underpass" while he was dead. "Living" and "Dead" players Cannot comunicate with each other so obviously I didn't see squat shit that he wrote. The fact that Nobody corrected him when he was "shouting" at me showed that no one actually even knew of that fact.

I'm telling you I've seen even more wierd comments and questions. Some of them are understandable but some are just plain ridiculous. Sure there are new players every once in a while. But the amount of these #@$&#*^#$@ in the "Limited Closed" Beta of CS:S is staggering.

Valve is milking the cash cow. At a developers point of view, a beta test should be targeted at veteran gamers that would have given valuable insight into the game and able to actually point out gameplay issues or bugs. NOT People who do not even know how to change screen resolution or use a menu. People who seem to be playing CS for the very first time in their lives. How the hell did these people even get the beta running is beyond me.

Need for Speed and the Belgium GP

The Formula 1 Season is winding to a close. Though there are still 4 more races to go, both the Constructors and Drivers Championship has been determined so I thought I'd do this write up now.

One day has passed and I haven't really digested last nights Belgium Grand Prix. Everything's floating in my head and I don't know what to say but I'll try to put my thoughts chronologically as the race progressed. This was one of the most exciting, incident filled and emotional races the entire 04 season.

Right at the start of the race there was a massive pileup causing 4 cars to retire and 3-4 more to pit for repairs. Safety Car had to be called out. The race leaders were largely unaffected but Barrichello had to pit during the SC, so this saw him lose his position all the way to the back in the restart.

Schumacher had 3 lost positions being overtaken by Coulthard before the crash, then Raikkonen and Montoya after the restart. For some reason he seems to be damned slow. And it wasn't fuel load as well because he pitted almost the same time as everyone else. Possibly the tires (but more on that later). So he's now is 6th position. Now I said Raikkonen passed Shumacher. Raikkonen started the race in 10th Position and at this point in Lap 6 he has already fought his way to 3rd. That is clearly NOT an easy feat for 2 laps (the SC was out for 3 laps) in F1. Both Renaults are in the lead.

Lap 11 - Alonso's Renault spins into the gravel pit. Supposedly an oil leak. So Alonso's OUT and gives Mclaren the 1-2 lead. Raikonnen in the lead and Coulthard behind. But this was short-lived as Coulthard's rear right tire puntures in the same lap, forcing him to limp back to pit effectively seeing his 2nd place evaporate. He rejoins the race in Lap 13 Last.

In Lap 13 after Raikkonen pits. Montoya leads and Schumacher is now 2nd. Then Montoya pitted at lap 15 giving Schumacher the lead. NOW, right at the beginning we see Shumacher's Ferrari driving unusually slow and I though "OK this guy has tons of fuel". We usually see him out for at least 3-4 laps after everyone else has pitted gaining valuable time before his first pit. This strategy has always given him an atvantage. But NO, he pitted at Lap 16, Only 1 lap in the lead. SO WHAT GIVES???? After the first pit, Schumacher is still going slower than usual. He is 3rd now and Trulli is actually gaining on him. What the Hell man, what are you playing at???

MORE Drama, by lap 20, Trulli started slowing down, though he tried to defend his position. Montoya tried to make a move on him. Montoya wasn't anywhere near enough to overtake but he "Bulled" himself through on the inside of a bend which caused a slight collision and forced Trulli spinning into the side. He rejoined the race though but had to pit. Now if there are any drivers in F1 I dislike, it's Takuma Sato and Juan Pablo Montoya. Sato while being the only Asian in F1 and Is fast, he's a total BASTARD. Inconsiderate, Cocky Bastard. He makes moves which endanger others, doesn't give way when he's obviously slower. Montoya is another, although he isn't even half bad when compared to Sato, he's a sulky and arrogant person. He complained like a baby a few races back when Schumacher tried to overtake him forcing him to steer into the side, when he himself in the Same race did the exact same maneuver on his teammate, Ralf.

We're halfway through now, and Raikkonen has been leading all the way. This is the FIRST time this season someone is in pole other than Schumacher with a 10+second lead. This is Amazing. Schumacher seem to start gaining speed now and sets a fastest lap. Man it's 27 laps already, I still cannot figure out why he's been so slow for the first half of the race. Now I'm thinking, can he close a 13 second gap.

Lap 29. WHAM! Button's rear right type explodes, spins and ram into an unfortunate Baumgartner (Minardi) who was just minding his own business letting Button through. He must have been miffed. Of all the blasted luck. Anyway, because of this, the Safety Car is brought out again. Now this is a 44 lap race, which means we only have about 15 more laps to go. This is where it get's exciting. Since Raikonnen's 10+ second advantage has effectively been flushed down the toilet. I was hoping to see a Very Exciting finale. This will be a fight to the end for Schumacher and Raikkonen once the restart goes. I wasn't dissapointed. Both Mclaren and Ferrari were racing like never before. I had no doubts whatsoever what Schumacher would be able to overtake Raikkonen with 10 laps to go.

Lap 38. POOF! Montoya's right rear tyre punctures. OH MAN! He had to limp back to pit and with only 6 laps to go he decided to retire. Bad Luck. Now thats 3 Michelin types busting up in the same race. :)

Lap 39. GODDAMMIT! David Coulthard tried to overtake a Jaguar (Klien). He lined up for the maneuver and probably misjudged the speed/distance. Whatever, but as he swerved out, he "tapped" the Jaguars back, which shattered his front nose. Now while both Klien and Coulthard were able to resume the race. This crash littered the circuit full of Debris and the Safety Car was AGAIN brought OUT. AAAARRRGGGHHHHHHHH! 5 Laps to go and someone with Coulthard's experience pulls a stunt like this. 5 Fucking Laps. The Safety car was out for 2 laps which means the restart will happen with only 3 laps to go. There went my evening. There was no way now for Shumacher to win unless Raikkonen crashes out or something. So there. Raikkonen wins. Schumacher 2nd and Amazingly Barrichello is 3rd. He was Last due to the 1st lap crash and he kept it steady, avoiding most of the incident after that and drove his way home to a podium finish.

Even with this 2nd Place finish, Schumacher has won the Drivers Championship and he and Barrichello has won Ferrari another Constructors Title. There can be no doubt, Ferrari's performance this entire season has been spectacular, they were I think the ONLY constructor with a car that did not have major problems.

Historically, The main contenders are the Drivers Skill and the Cars Construction(speed, power, maneuverability). Now we have a 3rd "prominent" element into the game. Tyres. Every since the 2003 season where a huge amount of criticism came under Bridgestone tyres for actually causing the cars to underperform. In fact, in the 2004 season, we find that almost All the constructors have switched over to Michelin. Ferrari stayed with Bridgestone and this entire season up till now has been their oyster. So Raikkonen had a great victory on the Michelin. Ferrari's Bridgestones seem to have problems getting into the right racing conditions, especially with so many restarts. However, saying that, we've had 2 tyre punctures and 1 type blowup on Michelin this race alone. Come to your own conclusion, but never before since F1 have I witness tyres having such a big impact on the performance of a car in terms of pickup and speed.

Michael Schumacher - I was really rooting for him to win. to go out in a blaze of glory. He has won Every Single race this season except for 1 which he retired because of a crash. Now thats 12/13 races. I have conflicting thoughts however. I want him to continue racing. He's the best and with the amazing strategies and solid Ferarri, he chews up the competition. He has already secured the Championship this season and his contract still stands till 2006 if I'm correct. Thats 2 more seasons to go. Now, should he retire? He's practically beaten every type of record out there and he holds the fastest lap times in more than half the circuits. Half of me want's him to retire. It does actually get boring seeing him win without anyone within 10-15 seconds (now in F1, even a 2-3 second lead, you are unable to see the car behind you anymore). But then, if he retires when no one can successfully beat him, then is the skill level in F1 declining? I would Never know if the new champions are good enough.

Kimi Raikkonen - He shown the speed and skill at 2003 season and was the talk of the town after winning the Malaysian GP. He was labelled the next Winner, Schumacher's main competitor. However, in 2004 it was a disaster, Mclaren (one of the top three constructors) had engine and car problems the whole season and Raikkonen never had the chance to show for anything. Out of the 14 races so far, he has retired out of 7 and only has 28 points up till date. Spa's win gives him 10 points, which meant he only had 18 after the last 13 races. Because of this, I've never even noticed Raikkonen, so it was a HUGE suprise to see him literally tearing up the circuit. I don't actually feel anything towards Raikkonen. Neither For or Against him. This Spa win is his First win since the Malaysian GP in 2003. So is it fluke? Was there something wrong with Ferrari cars? Was it the tyres? Unless he can consistently perform like this, I'm afraid he'll only be an obscure dot on My Radar.

Jenson Button - This guy is my best bet for future champion. We see him take his 1st ever podium finish in his career and since then out of the 14 races he has had 7 podium finishes (Four 3rd place and Three 2nd place). He has given Shumacher a run for his money a few times and I believe if he was in a better team than Honda, he could very well rake in some wins. It was unfortunate his tyres exploded in Spa, as he had a chance for a 3rd place podium. He is now 3rd in the Drivers Championship with 65 points and could still fight Barrichello for 2nd place with 4 races left.

Now in 2004, we had some suprises (forget about Ferrari for a moment). BMW and Mclaren-Mercedes were down in the dumps, BOTH constructors seeing horrible engine and car stability issues. Renault has managed to pull a hat trick. Both their cars and drivers were absolutely amazing throughout the season. F1 cars are highly tuned to each driver, and most of the time, there is a "main" driver and a "backup" driver. The "main" drivers car is usually better maintained. Since they banned team-orders, it was supposed to be every-man's game, but of course there is still a favourite. So, seeing a constructor with Solid cars for Both their drivers is great. This season Renault has shown a great package. I believe Alonso and Trulli are good drivers who are quite evenly matched. With a good complimenting strategy, they have a good chance of winning. Indeed, Renault has had many 1-2 leads this season but lacked a solid follow through.

Well we're off to Monza, Italy in a fortnight. Home of Ferrari, I hope they win. I'm also dying to see the new China Circuit. I don't know about you, but I really liked the Bahrain circuit as well.

Daddy's Not Coming On Anything!

I just returned from the cinema and I'll tell you, I've never laughed so hard with a movie (as opposing to "at" a movie which I've done a lot lately) in a long time. Harold & Kumar goes to White Castle is a candidate for THE Stoner movie of the year and is directed by the same guy who gave us Dude, Wheres My Car. Our dynamic duo this time is Korean-American investment banker, Harold and Indian medical school candidate, Kumar. Harold is potrayed as a typical hard working asian, shy, soft-spoken, neat, tidy, clean. Kumar is your brainy slacker with a rich father paying for his life (ala Van Wilder). What they have in common? They are flat-mates and pot buddies.

You have all the hallmarks of the stoner genre. Slapstick humor, physical humor, scat jokes, sexual references. You name it. The premise of the film is simple, Two guys have the munchies and need to go out to grab a burger. The underlying theme or sub-plot involves parodies of issues like racism, discrimination and stereotypes. This drives the events that happen along the journey. The dialogue is witty and intelligent. Thats right, the characters do not try to ilicit laughs through sheer stupidity (a.k.a Tom Green or Beavis and Butthead. "Dude, Where's My Car" falls into this category as well).

....................
Dr. Woodruff : Do you actually believe that after the way you've just behaved that I would even consider recommending you for admission?
Kumar : No. I'm gonna be honest with you. The only reason I'm applying is so my dad will keep paying for my apartment. I don't have any desire to go to med school.
Dr. Woodruff : But you have perfect MCAT scores!
Kumar : Yeeeah, just cause you're hung like a moose doesn't mean you gotta do porn.
....................

Right from the beginning of the show with a scene involving a mirror and a pair of scissors, playing to Black Eyed Peas, "Let's Get Retarded". The results in Harold & Kumar are hilarious.

Ever since Cheech and Chong smoked up the silver screen in the late 70s, pot induced idiocy is still a tried and true formula 3 decades later. This film is at the very top, even on par with (I dare say) Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back.

As Kumar would put it, "Congratufuckinglations!"

Ninja Moves. I guess he should have trained harder.

Pink Packing Peanuts or Buy 2 Get 6 Free

The Love of my Life (JC) is a charmed person. She would visit a coffee shop and get a free cuppa. Buy chicken rice and the hawker would give her an extra egg, a whole drumstick, a big smile and say "same price". We go in a retail store, she chats with the sales girl while trying on shoes and gets an employee discount. "Next time you come ask for me OK?". You get the picture. Well recently, we found out that her "luck" reaches out to a higher level. Not only does she charm humans, the Powers that Be seems to give her free stuff too.

JC recently became a "momma" and then a "grandmomma" in the short span of 2 days (boy don't they grow up fast these days). I'm talking about Hamsters here. She bought a set of two female hamsters. The idea behind this was that two females don't produce offspring. 2 days later she wakes up to 2 female hamsters and what seems to be a bad case of diarrhoea. Tiny pink "stuff" that looked like foam packing peanuts were packed near one of the hamsters. Closer inspection shows that she had just given birth to sextuplets (6 babies). Now isn't that Special. (I bet the pet shop owner would be banging his head if he knew)

Children and Grandchildren. Mother on Wheel (I think)	Mom has that "Don't mess with my babies" look	The mighty Sextuplets. 3 white 3 brown.
Plump, Lazy Aunt...uh..I mean The Sweet Furball	One of the babies going to visit it's Aunt	Don't run. Come back here White Boy

Sweetness to me. Blog to You.

Several things happened which totally made my day. Sorted by my personal "Wootness!" Factor

1. I got called to an interview for a job I really wanted. This is THE BEST news of the day. The Irony? I've been giving excuses and pushing back several offers just to wait for this. On Wednesday, I accepted and signed an offer. Today I get called (it's like those warranty things. Something always happens the day it expires). I guess I won't be too popular at the company I just signed on to, heh!. I know it's just an interview, I still might not get the job. But the prospect is tremendously exciting, since this job slightly defers from my area of "expertise". Wish me Luck!

2. Half-Life 2 preload on Steam has started. It's ALIVEEEEE! (Whoop-di-doo).

3. Episode 13 of Ghost in the Shell : Stand Alone Complex 2nd GIG is out. So, why is this hot stuff? Episode 12 left off with a total cliffhanger and I've been biting my nails to see what happens next.

4. I've finally gone to cancel my current ADSL ISP (contractual period is over). I've been having terrible connectivity. This is supposed to be an Unlimited Access account, and it's my personal Conspiracy Theory (Doesn't everyone just love those) that they're screwing me over behind my back. Pacific Internet, you can go shove it up where the sun don't shine.

5. TGIF

Bourne Again

I've just watched Bourne Supremacy yesterday. So what did I think about it? It was a good show, though it offered nothing new to the character ( No, I've not read the books. I've been tempted though and actually read the synopsis on the back cover at the local bookshop ). We see Bourne, again had to run blindly trying to find out whats going on, and in the process mess up a few people. In this aspect, the first movie was great. We did not know who Bourne was and it was more satisfying piecing the puzzle together. The action was far better too. In the Bourne Identity, we see Threadstone assasins after Bourne. So we had some good fights and shootouts. Who can forget the amazing down the stairs headshot scene as well. In Bourne Supremacy, there wasn't really any worthy opposition and the action wasn't on par, which was a slight let down.

I did Not Like the shaky camera though. It didn't feel polished, like some low budget movie with only one camera man running behind the whole time. The effect was great in the opening sequence in India. It fitted in perfectly with the crowded populace and gave a sense of confusion as they weaved through India's rural traffic and thronged alleys. However, they kept doing that throughout the movie, in chase scenes, in fight scenes.. everywhere. "Hey you remember the (insert scene here)" "Hell yeah, the camera shaked a whole lot all over the place. Something Big happened" "Yeah!"

1. They over did it
2. Bourne is supposed to be a highly traned Assasin. The Best. Nicky (Julia Stiles) mentioned "They don't make mistakes. Everything they do has a reason and motive". This is evident in his composure. You don't see him panic. He just springs into action. Always calm. Always thinking, improvising. The camera spoils this image. Makes it all look so chaotic.

The much touted car chase in Russia wasn't all too hot either. Bourne was crashing into everything and still kept going, which was highly unrealistic and comical. Either he rammed into other cars or other cars rammed into him. The other cars would be the one to spin out of control or crash. He would just keep on going. Again, I find myself more partial to the Mini chase in Bourne Identity. (On a side note. The Taxi seems to be a BMW with a Skoda logo stuck on? My cousin and a friend who saw the movie with me pointed this out)

If you want to see some really good car chases/races check out BMW Films (hmm more BMW? I guess they are good cars for chase scenes?). There is a series of 8 short films which are directed by some of the top International directors today. Names like Ang Lee, Wong-Kar Wai, John Woo, Ridley Scott comes to mind. If you've never heard or seen of it before, I suggest you pop over now. The downloads are free.

I didn't say it wasn't a good movie. It was. The plot was plausible, the continuity was there. Just Enjoy the story, which I did very much. I can't wait for the third installment. There will then be a bad guy. An arch-nemesis. It would be great to see them pitting wits against each other, or so I hope. This is why I liked the Bourne movies. A hero with brains and a killer instinct. He just seems to act, and later down the line I'd find myself going "Oh, so thats why he did that. Brilliant".

Hello World

This is my first post as another unfortunate soul sucked into blogging. I swear this phenomenon is getting out of hand. Who would have thought I'd even contemplate doing this? First, I read blogs. Usually hotlinks from sites I visit. Then my friends started having their own blogs. Somethings going on here...and it's spreading. God Help Me.

I ask myself "What the Hell is a Blog?" Seems to be just like any other personal website (which used to be called Homepages) or more appropriately a personal forum. If you've actively participated in forums of any kinds, you'd know the amount of nonsense a person with free time can say. So why provide a space for people to actually post shit day in, day out with little or no control? Beats me, but it's about damned time I get to spread my warped thoughts to the world. It's like the search for extra-terrestrial life. Someone out there must be watching...........